Spent my money

Slowly walking on the shining floors of a shopping complex, peering at the displays through the windows, wondering how come they always look so good on the models but never on me...

Stepping into a boutique, browsing through the clothes neatly hanging on the hangers, secretly wishing I had more money... Actually I do not even know why I am taking the risk of spending money when I obviously do not have much. *Sigh* Anyway, I went into this boutique and I spotted nice shoes below the hanging clothes. (Yes, I found shoes in a boutique.) I stared at them for ages. They were the shoes I like, the shoes I long to have, the shoes I have been looking for...

I love to buy Japanese fashion magazines. I love the style it carries. And there right before my eyes were the kind of shoes that appeared in those magazines. I have to have them! (Obviously at that time, my sense of not wanting to spend anymore has long gone.)

I saw a lovely pair of green striped shoes. I tried them on but they were too tight. They were however beautiful and so cute! At least to me, they were cute and I liked them. I asked the salesgirl to get me a bigger size but she said there are no more of those. I was so sad. Well, I can't blame them. It was a boutique. They focus on selling clothes. So they probably only have one of each size for shoes.

I saw another pair of shoes that were of the size I wanted. They were of the exact design as the green one, except that they were in red. I tried them on. They were the perfect fit! I hesitated for a very long time in that shop. I wanted these shoes but they were not the colour I wanted. The green ones were so much better. Oh why must my feet be so big!

I bought the red ones in the end. I was happy for a very short time before feeling a little bit stupid. The shoes were the last pair left and the inside of the right shoe was coming off a bit. Still, I bought them. When I reached home, I tried to remove the sticker indicating the size that was sticked inside the shoes. I quickly left them as they were because as I pulled the sticker off, the surface of the shoes were also being pulled off. So now, the stickers are still there, spoiling the perfect look of the shoes.

I feel so unwise as a consumer. They should have cost lower. I should not have bought them as they were not in perfect condition. But then, my love towards the shoes blinded me. I bought them anyway. I love them. That's the most important, right? Hope they really do look good on me. My sense of style sometimes is a bit dissappointing...

I love my shoes! Although that may make me a silly consumer, I still love them. For now at least...

You love me? Yeah right...

"Ma! I love you..."

Don't know why, today I just felt like saying this. And when I finally did, I regretted it. My mum was slightly smiling at first, then she told my sis, "Look! Your je so fake!" Blank. Suddenly my whole world was a blank. I just stood there, dumbfounded. I was sincere in saying that. I even gathered up my courage to say that. And this is what I got. I was being "insincere". I was "wanting something". It hurts me so much. Do these words have no meaning anymore?

We always say tell them how much we love them while we still can. But when we really say it, do they believe it? This is something to do with our culture I think. We are expected to not show our feelings too much which I don't know why. People tend to hide their feelings, afraid people will find out how they really feel. This I don't know why also. Isn't it good to express your feelings sometimes? Especially good ones like love?

Mum! I really do mean it when I say I love you. Please do not question my sincerity anymore. I really do love you.

Although the outcome of your expression of feelings may not be so nice, at least you have done what you feel is right. You have shown people how much you love them. You have done your part. And with that, you will have no regrets. That's what's important.

Express yourself. It is not good to keep all things to yourself. Share your laughter, share your love...

Lost

What am I trying to do?
What am I trying to be?
Who am I trying to impress?
Why do I even care?
What is happening to me?

Emotions shouldn't change so rapidly.
Tears shouldn't come so easily...

Rain

It's raining...

Listening to the rain, tapping... What a lovely sound! Most people love sunny days, but then I am not most people. I used to think I am the only weird person who loves rain and cloudy days. But after some deep thought, I know there are people out there who loves these too. I am not the only one. I am not special in that sense...

Of course I do not like rain when I am outdoors. It is too much of a trouble. I like it when I am indoors or when I am in a car. Staring out the window. Watching the raindrops slide down the window. Listening to the tapping sound. It is most peaceful. This soothing scene always make my mind wander off.

At the same time, I feel real. The rain is so real before me, yet it gives me a feeling of something too beautiful to be true. This feeling is so unique. The rain gives me imagination and also a sense of reality. Reality can be beautiful. This fact is such a comfort.

Listen to the beautiful music of the rain. Look at the innocent drop of the rain. It is beautiful. Reality can be beautiful...

My hair

I went to a hair-stylist yesterday as my hair is getting longer and quite out of shape. At first, she asked for how long has my hair been long. I did not answer as I am counting in my head the years. Both of us knew it was long enough. She suggested a short-hair look for me. She said it will not be too short. "Just around here..." she said and pointed at an invisible line right above my shoulder. I shaked my head as hard as I can. To me, that was very short and besides, I love my hair being long. She said okay and that she was just asking me to try something new. But since I like it long she will keep it that way. Thank goodness...

I really have to be firm with my own thoughts. I never wanted to colour my hair as I like it being black, but this thought did not last for long. I highlighted my hair yesterday. Now, I am feeling angry with myself as I am finally positive that I love my hair being black. I miss my black hair... I feel awkward now. I do not look lady-like and innocent anymore. I do not even know what I look like now. It is a funny feeling. Oh well! I'll get over it eventually. Hairs do grow anyway...

My haircut was okay, especially the fringe. My forehead does not look ao bare now. But like I said, hairs do grow. It will not look this nice when I start my class again. Just hope it will not be too bad.

Ahh... I can't hear properly. I had flu since last week and until now my nose is kind of blocked. Since then, my ear can't function properly. It's like when you're taking off in an airplane. My ear has been like this for a few days now. Believe me, this is not good at all. I can't hear well. I can't even speak well because I can't hear myself speak that clear. It is just a weird feeling. When will this end?

Dreaming

*sigh* Such a long holiday... What am I suppose to do? I do not even know how I survived the past weeks. Oh ya! I went for movies the other day with my ex-housemates. We watched the Jackie Chan film about the baby. It was so funny, quite an entertaining piece. And the baby was soooooooooooooooooo cute! Glad to think everyone was that cute once...

I spent all my days dreaming. If you think I have done enough dreaming during busy days, think again... With absolutely nothing to do during the holidays, I dream a lot. Not only I daydream more, I even have more dreams at night. I seriously dream myself to sleep and I wake up and dream some more. I don't even know what's the point of dreaming. I just love to do it. It makes me hide myself away from reality for a while. I can be whatever I want in my thoughts...

I plan to write something, a story maybe. But my laziness controls me, again! I have already thought of many potential ideas that can be turned into nice stories but the problem is when do I start. I'm terribly lazy you know. Then, there's another problem. You see, I do not know whether to write it in English or Chinese. I can write better in English as I've forgotten a whole lot about Chinese and I've been reading more of English books. But I feel that I can express better in Chinese. The stories I have in mind are those that would be shown in drama series (I really imagine too much...). I mean the stories are things that I feel will happen in drama series. And I think it's better for it to be in Chinese. But then I'm afraid I'll not express it well enough because of my Chinese standard and it will ruin everything... I don't know what to do now. Or maybe I am just finding excuse to delay the writing. I am just plain lazy...

I really should stop dreaming so much. It's making me go nuts. I realize as time goes by, sometimes I can't really differentiate reality from fantasy and that is very dangerous. On the other hand though, fantasy makes me feel that I belong. It's a place for me to settle down from reality. Or so I think... Haiz... I don't even know who I am now. I just do not know...

I am in deep trouble. The more I live in a world of my own, the more drastic my emotions change. I can be really happy one second and become sad suddenly the next. I am going nuts. I wonder how can people get along with me... Miracles do happen I guess. But I have to dream right? Or else how am I going to get those ideas to write stuff? Hehe... I'm comforting myself again...

Whatever it is, I'll try to control myself. I will try to know reality from fantasy. I truly believe that it is a gift for me, to dream. I can live two lives, sort of. I can be myself in reality, and be whoever I want in my fantasy world. I love this. I love to dream. And I will continue to dream... Maybe I'll be more down to earth but still, I will continue dreaming...