Doubting myself

Am I on the right track?

I always thought I am making the right decision. I am deciding for myself. I want this. I want to express my passion for writing. But now, I do not know anymore...

I suddenly feel that I do not have what it takes for this. How am I going to overcome this? I fought for this. Ignoring all doubts on me and fought for my future. I have made up my mind before, I want to prove them wrong. I can be successful in this. I am right in studying this course. But now, I am afraid they are right after all...

I am not sure now. It seems so right at the beginning, now it is entirely different. I do not know whether I still have the courage to continue supporting my own choice. I do not know whether this is right for me. I am starting to lose hope. What should I do?

I love to write. But I am not so sure about my skills of writing. Am I being naive in believing this is for me? Am I disappointing the people around me, again?

There is no turning back now. I have to move forward. But where to?

Am I on the right track?

Going wrong...

Sitting at a round table, eating a meal... This was supposed to be something resembling unity, love, happiness... But why do I feel this way? Why is this happening?

Everyone is wearing a mask, revealing the true self bit by bit. Every word uttered contains hidden meaning. Every expression is forced. The sight of this is hurting me. I do not think I can take this any longer...

People have different ways of thinking, different perception towards things. Most people think the same but that doesn't necessarily mean the truth. Only those directly involved know what it is. Only they know how it feels. Stop thinking on behalf of them, thinking you're right. You do not know how it feels. You do not know how I feel...

I myself do not know whether I am thinking right. I just know what is happening now is hurting me and I do not like this one bit. You may think what you're doing is the best solution for all. This is the only way... But you are wrong. If this is the best solution why am I bleeding inside? If this is what is best why do I find so many wrong things in it?

Stop finding excuses, blaming all this on others. You are the ones causing this, each and everyone of you is responsible. Stop putting fault solely on us. We do not deserve to be treated this way. I do not deserve to be treated this way...

Stop thinking you are so high and mighty. Stop thinking you are right, for you are not. You are not...

I am sorry. Sorry for everything that I've done wrong. Sorry for being so helpless. Sorry for contributing to this trouble. I am sorry... For everything...

Sitting together for a meal should be a wonderful thing. Why is this happening? Watching this, my heart aches. I should be happy...

Gong Xi Fa Chai

Is it just me, or is the mood of Chinese New Year not as it is before?

I do not know why. Although new year is just around the corner, I do not have the mood of celebrating at all. Where is my longing to get together and eat as much as I can? Where is the joy of wearing new clothes and wishing other people good luck? Where is the excitement in waiting to receive 'ang pow'? Where is the happiness in listening to joyful new year songs? Where has the mood gone to?

Maybe I am losing these excitement bit by bit as I grow older. It is just the same year after year. Nothing special. Nothing to look forward to. Just maybe... Or maybe I am afraid to meet weird relatives that I have never met but insisted that I know them and expect me to call them by name without giving me half a clue. Just maybe...

Chinese New Year used to be a celebrating festival, a happy one. What is happening now?

Although I am feeling this way, I do not want to spoil others' new year. So I will try to change my mood and at least pretend that I am looking forward to it and will enjoy it with all my heart.

I wish happiness and joy to all. Enjoy a happy Chinese New Year!

Gong Xi Fa Chai...

Falling...

I am falling
Deeper and deeper...

Why are you doing this to me?
Why am I reacting this way?
What is happening?
It is all blurred out.
It is all unclear...

I am about to reach the bottom,
About to get hurt...
I should stop this.
I should carefully climb my way up again.
I should forget...

I am falling
Deeper and deeper.
There is no way out.
Falling...