Moving towards the avoided...

It has seemed far away before,
It is near now...

Time will come eventually,
Eventually it will come...

Waiting for this has been dreadful,
Knowing it is near now doesn't make it any better...

Moving slowly towards this,
Knowing it is going to be a disaster...

The bomb is ticking.
Tick tock tick tock...

What have I done?

It is now the last month of this year. It is nearly Christmas now. That means my holidays are coming to an end. It is time to face reality again. Things that I fear will one by one unfold themselves, waiting for me to overcome, waiting for me to learn...

I know, when I meet my friends again, when I started living in reality again, I will have to answer a question that I do not exactly have the answer to. How was your holiday? What have you done? The question is scary, especially when I myself do not know the answer. Or should I say I am embarrassed and afraid to give my answer...

Others have gone working, doing something meaningful, learning something useful to their own lives. Me? I have not gone to work. I have not learnt anything, not anything useful enough to aid my future. So what have I done? I am seriously not sure myself.

For the past few months, I have been reading some books. Not those self-help books or books that make you learn something useful, they were just some fictions which I love. Also, I have been watching some TV programmes. Can't see anything meaningful enough in that. I have been lazying around, playing around with my siblings, scolding them when they have finally got on my nerves... Oh, and I have helped packing things as my family is moving soon. But still I did not help much. I find myself ridiculous for spending my long holiday the way I have. What am I doing to my life! Am I enjoying it while I can? Or am I just trying to run away from the fact that I have to live as an adult now?

I am afraid to be an adult, yes! With all those responsibilities, the things you were expected to do, knowlegde you were expected to know, watching how adults live their lives and children living theirs... It is just too much! I will never be what was expected. I will try but I just will not try harder. I am afraid I will mess up. People are looking up to me, expecting me to act a certain way. What will they think if I failed? I am not a person who can lead, who can take full responsibility of something. I have to overcome this in order to succeed, haven't I? I have to take a huge step from my comfort zone to success. I know this and I want to succeed. I'm just not sure about this huge step. There is too much a risk of falling into the bottomless hole in between...

I will try. I will have to eventually. I can't stay like this forever. It is not a nice feeling at all, feeling useless and all. I need time. I need courage. I need support...

So please do me a favour for the time being. Do not ask me the question in which its answer cannot satisfy both me and you. Do not scold me either, or give me any advice because I know all of those. I just need time to figure things out on my own. I have to face this myself it seems. If you really must ask that question, consider it answered through what I have written above. Hope you are satisfied with it.

Do not come near me!

Went out for seafood yesterday night. It was raining. It was just a dinner, a family dinner. Delicious? Yes, of course! My dad eventually ordered a lot and we just ate and ate. The crabs were fantastic. A hard time getting to the edible parts but it was worth the effort. It was supposed to be perfect. But my fear spoilt everything...

It turned out to be a place where cats will be hanging around, steadily walking or sometimes running under the tables, past your legs!!! The horror! I fear all animals. Well, actually you can say it runs in the family. My sisters too were afraid.

First, someone spotted a cat walking past our table. Instinctively, I curled myself up, crossing my legs until I was in the meditating position on my chair, secretly glad I was not wearing skirts. I tried eating like that but it was quite hard because people started staring at me. This position lasted for a while before I was finally convinced that the cat has gone and will not bother me anymore.

I continued eating as a normal person would, feets touching the ground and all. Unfortunately, what I dreadfully feared happened... The cat came back, with its friends!!! This time one of the cats walked past my sister's legs, making her jump. My legs once again were lifted up in the air. I was not putting them down again. So during the entire dinner, I was finding ways to keep my legs away from the ground. I tried supporting them up in the air by stretching my legs straight in front of me. But this was a very difficult task as there were nothing in front of me where I can rest my legs on. Next, I managed to persuade my sister to allow me to rest my legs on top of hers. This too did not last long as she got tired soon.

So what I ate at that time was instantly being converted to energy for me to keep my legs off the ground. All because of those cats!

After dinner, I practically ran to the car and quickly got on it, thankful I was safe at last.

I really am afraid of animals...

Until then...

It's all over now. I do not have to find places in PJ anymore. Well, until January of course...

Due to some reasons which I think is very hard to explain here, the plan has changed. Now, we'll look for places during January. If we fail to do so then, I may move into MC. Just maybe.

I am not angry at all. A little sad maybe. But it's nothing. I just hope everything will turn out right eventually. I personally feel that it is impossible to stay together anymore. But I should not give up hope right? Right!

Everything will be okay. I can and I will move out! I just have to wait till then...