What have I done?

It is now the last month of this year. It is nearly Christmas now. That means my holidays are coming to an end. It is time to face reality again. Things that I fear will one by one unfold themselves, waiting for me to overcome, waiting for me to learn...

I know, when I meet my friends again, when I started living in reality again, I will have to answer a question that I do not exactly have the answer to. How was your holiday? What have you done? The question is scary, especially when I myself do not know the answer. Or should I say I am embarrassed and afraid to give my answer...

Others have gone working, doing something meaningful, learning something useful to their own lives. Me? I have not gone to work. I have not learnt anything, not anything useful enough to aid my future. So what have I done? I am seriously not sure myself.

For the past few months, I have been reading some books. Not those self-help books or books that make you learn something useful, they were just some fictions which I love. Also, I have been watching some TV programmes. Can't see anything meaningful enough in that. I have been lazying around, playing around with my siblings, scolding them when they have finally got on my nerves... Oh, and I have helped packing things as my family is moving soon. But still I did not help much. I find myself ridiculous for spending my long holiday the way I have. What am I doing to my life! Am I enjoying it while I can? Or am I just trying to run away from the fact that I have to live as an adult now?

I am afraid to be an adult, yes! With all those responsibilities, the things you were expected to do, knowlegde you were expected to know, watching how adults live their lives and children living theirs... It is just too much! I will never be what was expected. I will try but I just will not try harder. I am afraid I will mess up. People are looking up to me, expecting me to act a certain way. What will they think if I failed? I am not a person who can lead, who can take full responsibility of something. I have to overcome this in order to succeed, haven't I? I have to take a huge step from my comfort zone to success. I know this and I want to succeed. I'm just not sure about this huge step. There is too much a risk of falling into the bottomless hole in between...

I will try. I will have to eventually. I can't stay like this forever. It is not a nice feeling at all, feeling useless and all. I need time. I need courage. I need support...

So please do me a favour for the time being. Do not ask me the question in which its answer cannot satisfy both me and you. Do not scold me either, or give me any advice because I know all of those. I just need time to figure things out on my own. I have to face this myself it seems. If you really must ask that question, consider it answered through what I have written above. Hope you are satisfied with it.