A Fallen Leaf

May the wind blow a little longer.
May I be lifted up a little higher.
For I am merely a fallen leaf,
Cast away from the secured branch of the tree.

The wind I depend upon
To allow me the sweet taste of the air above.
It will be the same wind that pulls me down
Once its course change, I know.
That wind will soon help me soar high up again
When in an agreeing mood, I believe.
Wind, being wind.
Unpredictable wind.
Its direction I will never predict.
Its strength I will never calculate.
Its course I just follow.
For I am merely a fallen leaf,
Cast away from the secured branch of the tree.

The energetic wind has become gentle.
No longer has it strength to keep me high up.
I will soon hit the ground, I realize.
Slowly swaying downwards...
For I am merely a fallen leaf,
depending upon the strong wind to decide my destiny.
I will stay on the ground,
To be trampled upon,
To be turned to dust.
For I am merely a fallen leaf,
caught in a soon-dying wind.

More than just coffee

A cup of hot mocha in my hands.
The aroma of the sweet coffee filled the air of my cubicle in the office.
I placed the tip of the cup onto my lips.
The sweet warm fluid gives me the calmness I need.
But not enough to make me think clearly.

Why am I still here? I wonder.
I wanna break free.
I wanna stay and have fun.
I am lost. As always...

I miss you.
Starbucks makes me think of you.
I remember you bringing me there to escape the hot weather.
I remember you setting up the laptop so that we can do our assignments.
I remember us sharing a drink while you plan for our next trip to collect all the stamps.

I wish to be with you.
But why am I still here? All alone.

I believe.
I will be there someday.
I will be there with you.
When that day comes,
We will once again enjoy a sweet drink,
Together.

I miss you...

Silent killer

How can this go on without anyone objecting?
How long must injustice reigns?
Hope is gone...

This is clearly wrong. Even children can point that out.
What makes us hold our tongues?
Experience?
Wisdom?
Fear?
Money?
Sanity?
No, how can this be?
We are no match for children!

So now what. Should we teach this "way of life" to children since young then?
Follow what others are doing, even when it's dead wrong.
Tell our children that mistakes should be kept a secret and when leaked out, cover it with excuses and when that doesn't work, find more excuses.
They will get higher praises if they can believe in their own excuses so hard that they believe it's true and not a lie anymore.
Ask them to worship the rich and powerful as they're always right.
Urge them to get rich so they can get away with anything they do, and I meant anything!
Why waste time sending them to school?
Why waste time teaching them moral?
Why waste time guiding them to differentiate right from wrong?
When you are not practising it yourself.

It's not all about money.
It means much more than that.
If everyone just voice out and make a change,
Things will change for the better.
It won't turn out like this.
We've been teaching the young.
We've been singing songs of a better world.
We've been urging people to do good deeds, recycle, donate.
But what's the use when we never start from ourselves?
We keep quiet when things are wrong.
We go along with the flow, thinking it's none of our business so shut up.
You know how much damage can be done just because everyone zips their mouths and "mind their own business"?
You know how much it hurts in the end?
And it wouldn't be you. The effect of it will be felt deeply by someone innocent.
This is the world we live in.

Still.
I still hope.
That miracles would happen.
All will be fine.

How long more must injustice hurt me?
Hope is still there
I believe.
Hope's always there.
I just have to find it and grab hold of it.
To make a difference.
To bring light to a world so dim.

I hope...

I miss UTAR.

My mailbox has somehow reached its limit I guess.
It should be time to clear some space.

I started clicking from emails to emails.
There really was a lot, but I couldn't find the heart to delete any of those.
Because those were the only times I received emails from my friends.

There were the times when my secondary classmates and college mates sent me emails.
They were soon replaced with names of my university friends.

Emails concerning assignments.
Encouraging forwarded message come near exam time.
Hilarious jokes just to make your day.
Informational messages to remind you of your safety and health.
Touching stories urging you to cherish the people around you.
Lovely messages giving you reassurance that we will be friends forever...

The names of those close friends stopped when we graduated.
Replaced with tons of emails sent by 'alumni'.

I felt a sharp pang in my heart.
We were once so close.
We once had a common topic.
How could it change so dramatically in such a short time?
I long to turn back time.
To go back to that time when we were close and out of worries.
To be able to laugh with an open heart.
To have each other as company.
It was hard to admit. All those were just temporary.

Still, I am grateful to have those friends as my friends when I need them.
I am glad to have you in my memories of my great studying life.
Thank you all for being there for me.

I end up leaving the emails untouched.
Maybe I am still not ready to look ahead.
I still want to hold on to my old times, when I was truly happy.
I am afraid to clear up those spaces as I do not wish to replace them with anything else.
I am stubborn.
It may change in time, but for now
I want to hold on.

I miss UTAR because of you all!
Thank you for the fond memories.
Thank you for the tears flowing now, because you gave me something to cry about, something to miss about.
Thank you for being my friend.
Miss you...

Fairyland

Other meadows out there... What will it be like?

My world here is dying. I can sense it. Some fairies I've known have moved on, flew to other places once they got the chance. They never came back, so I would not know how it's like out there. I wish I knew. Lillie once said she flew to "the other place". She claimed that the flowers there have so much morning dew on it that you can only come out at night just to avoid the sparkle that could hurt your eyes. Of course I did not believe it. Lillie was never the daring type. She did not even have the guts to fly up high enough to retrieve her kite, just because she thought the stars were angry with her for disturbing their sleep. She would not have gone that far.

I am afraid of other worlds out there. What if I can't find other meadows? What if I can't find a special kind of flower I can call my home? What if Grandma was right and there really are those horrible things that will eat fairies up out there? I just wish I knew. But someday I will have to leave. I must. I just can't stand it here anymore. I can no longer call this my home...

The wind here is dying. My wings have become so heavy I can't fly up to look down at my lovely (once lovely) home anymore. This used to be my favourite thing to do. The fairies here have turned ugly. Every fairy starts fighting for power, hurt fairies behind their backs, not smiling anymore... It has become very frightening, and the scariest part is I don't know when it started.

I can't stay here any longer. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I might be one of them someday. I don't want that...

So I'll leave someday. I'll have to leave behind my home, and find a new one. Although I'll miss everything here, I'll have to go. Even if I don't know what's out there, I'll have to go. To save myself, I'll have to go. Even if I'm the last fairy existing, I'll go... Because this is my life, and I'll live it whatever way I want. Because I have only one life and this is it.

Other meadows out there... What will it be like? I'll soon find out.

New Year Spirit

It's reunion dinner, a dinner to welcome the new year.

I close my eyes and open them...
I was at the kids' table, eating with children only. I could see mothers, including mine, telling me to eat all the dishes on the table, it is for good luck. Then, they were warning their children to behave and be good before proceeding to the adults' table. I would listen to laughter and business conversations coming from the adults' table while my table held the conversations of cartoons and toys. Mostly, we were just eating our meal and waiting to drink the cold drink provided for us. I could hear my mother warn me from her table to not finish my drink as I would need some left for 'yam sing' (cheers) session. I obeyed. The time finally came. With loud shouts of 'yam sing' and clinks of glasses, laughter remains while my mind were already on new year programs on television. I would secretly wish I would have a sip of ribena (which later I knew was red wine) that my parents never let me try. It was fun and we looked forward to it.

I close my eyes and open them again...
I was at the adults' table by now. Well, just of age actually. We were still having the similar dishes we've always had for the past years. However, the mood is quite different. We kind of grew tired of new year as it's the same old thing all over again. My mother would be busy preparing and would be the last to appear at the dining table. They will talk about the same boring business conversations which I did not understand. The females explaining the meaning of each dish all over again (everytime the same), chat about the freshness of the fish and start discussing about where to get the best cooking materials. Occasionally, the aunts and uncles would ask about our studies and future plans but it was always brief. It was like any other day. It was ordinary and we just celebrate for tradition purposes.

I close my eyes and open them again...
I was still at the adults' table. Of course I'm older now but I still prefer alcohol-free drinks. This time is different. The place where my grandfather used to sit was not there anymore. It feels the same yet different at the same time. We were still doing the same old things we've done for the past few years. But my grandpa was missing and I could feel my grandmother feeling it more than any of us. We can hear the clink of our glasses when we cheered, but then there was just a note missing. It was getting dull and I start to wonder the purpose for celebrating.

I close my eyes and open them again...
I am at the different table now. This seems to be my future. I am with my own family now, and I found a whole new meaning to celebrate such occasions. I am explaining to my children about the meaning of celebrating new year and also the meaning of each dish set on the dining table. They listened with wonder and exclaimed with delight. They ate the prawn, deeply believing that it will make them happier. They waited anxiously for the 'yam sing' session and was looking forward to the next year to be able to do it all over again. It was lively again but I can't help but wonder... They will eventually get bored about this. They will think it's repetitive and meaningless. Well, until they have a family of their own to have the feeling of having something new. How long will it last until the circle happens all over again? I will cherish every moment of it before it starts. I'll try.

I'm home

Driving myself home,
Or what it used to be home...
The car porch that once hold the familiar
Has turned to shelter the others.
The house that once protected us
Has turned to cover the others.
The road that used to be the road home
Has become the road of memories.
The fond memories of the past.
The scary knowing of the future.
You were not what you used to be.

I seek.
I understand.
I sympathize.
I wonder.
I pretend.
I doubt.
The reasons I try to create for you.
There were never any.
You were not what you used to be.

Will it ever end?
Will I ever face it?
Will I even want it?
I am confused.
You were not what you used to be.
You were never what I thought you used to be.
You were never there.
Sadly, you were never there.

I'll just pretend.
For my sake, I'll pretend
You were once there, but now
You are just not what you used to be...

Someday, I hope you'll be.
Until I hope no more...