我爱你...

我们就这样吗？

恋人一定是从朋友开始的吗？如果是的话就好了。不知道从何时开始，对你渐渐有了好感，对你的小动作也感到窝心，这就是爱吗？

下雨了。我们在街上走着。你手里撑着伞，但因你只顾着我，自己却被淋湿了。你真的好傻哦。。。那天我穿着长裤，裤脚都湿了，搞得我一点都不舒服。你突然把伞交给了我，自己蹲了下来，亲手把我的裤脚给折起来。我真的很感动，真的。。。

我们就这样一直搞暧昧吗？你还不要开口吗？我要一直等下去吗？你对我的感觉是否像我对你的一样？还是我想太多了？

爱是这样的吗？

……………………

“我好像有点喜欢你”

你这样对我说。但为什么，我却把这句话当作是开玩笑的呢？你也不在乎，也不再说类似的话。我一直期待着你再说一遍，认真的再说一遍，但你并没有。你真的是在开玩笑吗？还是我让你失去了继续说下去的勇气？我真的好笨哦。。。是我自己胡思乱想吗？还是我把自己的幸福亲手给毁了？机会错过了就不会再有了，不是吗？

我真的是个笨蛋。。。

……………………

我又想太多了吗？

你问我是否听过一首歌，是一首情歌，我说没有。你叫我听听看，真的好好听，结果我真的去听了。为什么我要对你说的话那么的在意呢？那首歌真的很好听，很感人。歌词在说着告白。你在暗示着我吗？我真的不该再猜测下去。。。我就快发疯了。你的心意到底是怎么样？

你还不要给我个明确的答案吗？

……………………
我弹着钢琴，弹着那一首歌。

“我爱你。”

你终于开口了。我看着你，手继续的弹奏着。你向她告白了。。。

……………………

“可以帮我个忙吗？”

你拿着那首歌的歌谱，要我练好那首歌。
“她好喜欢这首歌哦。。。希望你能弹奏它，就在我告白时弹着。她一定会很开心的。。。”

我接过了你手上的歌谱。看来你真的很爱她。。。

我答应了，答应帮助你的告白。

练习弹奏时，心情真的很差。一直以来，果然是我自己想太多了。心。。。真的很痛。。。

我哭了。自己一个人练习时哭了。眼泪就像露珠在叶子的表面上滑落一样，慢慢的滑落在我的脸上。我不敢大哭，也没借口大哭，更没理由大哭。我们只是朋友，我凭什么大哭呢？露珠是很美丽的，但我的眼泪却是丑陋的。没有一个人的眼泪会是美丽的。。。

……………………

我继续弹奏着。她真的很感动。你们拥抱了。。。

她在哭，感动的哭了，也笑了，而她的眼泪是充满喜悦的。这时我才知道，感动的眼泪是美丽的。你的选择是对的。你爱对了人。。。

琴声渐渐消失。我的弹奏结束了。我的眼泪不由自主地滑落，就让我再伤心一次，最后一次。我悄悄的离开。。。

我祝福你们。你会快乐的。她会幸福的。我会没事的。。。

……………………

我向她告白了。我知道我不应该找你帮忙，不该找你弹奏，不该让你看着我告白。。。

我看着你离去。你的眼里好像含有泪光。是我看错了吗？

我跟你说过我喜欢你啊。你希望我再说多一遍吗？还是你根本就对我没意思？我不再对你告白，是害怕你会拒绝吗？我已经没有那种勇气再说多一次了。对不起。。。

我祝你找到比我更好的。你应该被更好的、更值得你去爱的人爱着。

我会对她很好，就好像我曾经对你一样的，对她好。

因为我爱你。。。

……………………
(Special thanks to Kai Heng for editing)

Sorry for being me

I am not a good person...
Stop thinking I am.

I am not who you think I am
I do not live to your expectation
I am not good enough
I am so sorry...

Do not try to ask me to become who you want me to be.
I am who I am.
I am just not good enough...

Sorry for not being what you expected
Sorry for not going your way
Sorry for being me
Sorry for not being good enough...

I am not a good person after all...

Crying is not a crime

A friend of mine suddenly forbid me to cry. "You cannot cry! I do not allow you to cry in front of me..."

It was a bit funny at first. But then I realized she really meant what she said. This makes it ridiculous. How am I supposed to control my emotions? When the time comes it will come. When I feel like crying, I will cry! End of story.

She said she will feel like it was her fault a person's crying, like she was bullying that person. All I can say is she thinks too much. Not everything is because of you okay. Haha... Don't worry so much...

Actually I may look like a person who will cry easily but I am not. (Cheh...) I can be very strong at times you know. To cry is just a way to release my tensions I guess. To let go what I've been keeping inside of me for so long. I have to let go to create a balance inside me. Or else I might just break and go nuts. You won't want that right? I hope not...

When I cry, mostly it's not anybody's fault. It is just me trying to sort things out. It is mostly about the way I handle things, the way I am that made me sad. So do not worry. It will definitely not be your fault, don't feel sorry...

I'll try not to cry so easily, but you have to try to forgive me if I really did okay? Haha... We will have fun together. I just know it...

Stretched-out hands

Looking around...
Everything seems to be just like they were before.
But why,
Why this familiarity can be so alienated?
What has happened...

Reaching out...
I reached out my hands
Trying to get the touch of yours
The touch of assurance
The touch of you...

My hands were left that way
Feeling empty...
Why have you left me this way?
My hands
Feeling cold...

What has happened?
I am lost...

How hard can this be?

After browsing through my friend's blog only I realized, I haven't wrote anything about me finding a place to stay already. I have been saying bits of this situation here (if you do not know this, you probably do not read my posts) but have said nothing about the outcome of it. So now here it goes...

I have successfully found a place to stay in PJ. Hurray! Cheers! After some hunting around, it is finally settled. I'll be staying there starting from February. Haha... I have been planning things to be done after I have moved, which is of much annoyance to my friends in class. Hehe... I'm just saying. Can't seem to find much free time lately. Just hope I can enjoy then...

There are really a lot of things to do. This English assignment for instance is giving me headaches. It will be very tiring. Just searching for relevant stuff has strained my eyes. I can actually feel my eyes popping out as I am concentrating on the computer screen. Still, there are tons of things that need to be done. It will be a wonder completing this semester in one piece.

I need strength.
I need patience.
I need time.
I need knowledge.
I need wisdom.
I need dedication.
I need rest...

Continuing my attempt to complete this impossible task.
Staying alive...

Listen, little child

Little child...

You never stop asking. You want the answers for everything. "What is this?" you ask. "Why is it like this..." This curiostity is a good thing. Treasure it while it lasts because as times pass, you will lose it eventually...

I have forgotten what it was like, to see everything as a new thing, to want to learn, to want to understand instead of just accepting things as they are. Come to think of it, it is not that ridiculous when you ask why red is called red, why you have to be afraid of police officers, why people have to make a big fuss on some political issue, why we must cry during a funeral when that person is now enjoying in Heaven, why you can't draw on the wall when it's so empty, why people are always saying they love you but do not say that to each other...

Innocent little child, you have all the right to have the answers to your questions. But I know, you were always being called to stay silent. All because people who were supposed to have the sense and knowledge enough to know more do not know how to answer you. I am so sorry. I am afraid I can't help much...

Cute little child, stay true to your dreams. Be good, although I do not know what will become of you in years to come. Criminals did not born to be one. Liars did not born as one. Neither did selfish businessmen nor did any other irresponsible people. You should stick to your beliefs. Do not be easily influnced by others. Listen to your heart...

You deserve so much more...

Little child, make a difference, in thinking, in perceptions, in this world... Make this a better place to live in. Give it hope. Let it shine...

We deserve much more...

Confession

Looking at myself
Laughing away happily.
It is sincere
Yet there's something hidden.
Deep inside
Somewhere inside
I'm hurt...

Living a lie...
How long can I keep up with this?
Should I let it out?
Should I keep it in forever?
I do not know...
What makes me me?
What makes me who I am now?

Tears came rolling down...
Not out of sorrow
Not out of pity.
Face remaining expressionless.
Being helpless?
No idea what to do?
Not a clue how to react?
Maybe...

Looking ahead
Tears rolling down my empty face...
Where do I go from here?

Difference

Don't know why
I am feeling like this towards you.
Looking at what you have done
Looking at what others think about you
Looking at how I see you...
It is all different.
People's minds are scary.
Mine is scary...
I do not know what I want,
I do not know what to do...